January 2012
37 posts
LITIGATION, n.
A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.
LITIGANT, n.
A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.
LINEN, n.
“A kind of cloth the making of which, when made of hemp, entails a great waste of hemp.” — Calcraft the Hangman.
WatchCarentan, oh Carentan!
Before we met with you
We never yet had lost a man
Or known what death could do.
“A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday.
“I’d...”
– The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, chances are, he’s gonna get it wrong.
LIMB, n.
The branch of a tree or the leg of an ordinary woman. Sirens and vixens call them assets.
LIGHTHOUSE, n.
A tall building on the seashore in which the government maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
LIFE, n.
A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed.
LIBERTY, n.
Imagination’s most precious possession.
LIAR, n.
A lawyer with a roving commission.
LEXICOGRAPHER, n.
A pestilent fellow who, under the pretense of recording some particular stage in the development of a language, does what he can to arrest its growth, stiffen its flexibility and mechanize its methods.
“US netizens are in uproar over the proposed SOPA/PIPA. How will that impact...”
– check your oatmeal
LEVIATHAN, n.
An enormous aquatic animal mentioned by Job. Some suppose it to have been the whale, but that distinguished ichthyologer, Dr. Jordan, of Stanford University, maintains with considerable heat that it was a species of gigantic Tadpole (Thaddeus Polandensis) or Polliwig — Maria pseudo-hirsuta. For an exhaustive description and history of the Tadpole consult the famous monograph of Jane Potter,...
LEGACY, n.
A gift from one who is legging it out of this vale of tears.
LECTURER, n.
One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear and his faith in your patience.
LEARNING, n.
The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.
LEAD, n.
A heavy blue-gray metal much used in giving stability to light lovers — particularly to those who love not wisely but other men’s wives. Lead is also of great service as a counterpoise to an argument of such weight that it turns the scale of debate the wrong way. An interesting fact in the chemistry of international controversy is that at the point of contact of two patriotisms lead is ...
LAZINESS, n.
Unwarranted repose of a person holding the gavel.
LAWYER, n.
One skilled in the circumvention of the law.
LAWFUL, adj.
Compatible with the decision of a judge having jurisdiction.
LAW, n.
Once Law was sitting on the bench, And Mercy knelt a-weeping. “Clear out!” he cried, “disordered wench! Nor come before me creeping. Upon your knees if you appear, ‘Tis plain your have no standing here.” Then Justice came. His Honor cried: “Your status? — devil seize you!” “Amica curiae,” she replied — “Friend of the court, so please...
LAUREATE, adj.
Crowned with leaves of the laurel. In England the Poet Laureate is an officer of the sovereign’s court, acting as dancing skeleton at every royal feast and singing-mute at every royal funeral.
Watchpatriciamalay:
Good times.
LAUREL, n.
The laurus, a vegetable dedicated to Apollo, and formerly defoliated to wreathe the brows of victors and such poets as had influence at court.
LAUGHTER, n.
An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable.
LANGUAGE, n.
The music with which the hall serpents charm the masses out of their treasures, especially during election.
“Dear God,
Again, all I ask for the new year is for my friends to have FAT...”
– K-Popster
LAP, n.
One of the most important organs of the female system — an admirable provision of nature for the repose of infancy, but chiefly useful in rural festivities to support plates of cold chicken and heads of adult males. The male of our species has a rudimentary lap, imperfectly developed and in no way contributing to the animal’s substantial welfare.
LAND, n.
A part of the earth’s surface, considered as property. The theory that land is property subject to private ownership and control is the foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy of the superstructure. Carried to its logical conclusion, it means that some have the right to prevent others from living; for the right to own implies the right exclusively to occupy; and in fact laws of...
LABOR, n.
One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
December 2011
49 posts
KLEPTOMANIAC, n.
A rich thief; otherwise, just a plain thief.
